Changing my mind and direction has been a continuous habit for me. I feel like a rolling stone is what I’m most comfortable being. For the past year, however, I’ve been more secure in my sobriety. Since the evening I threw up all over my neighbor’s floor at a New Year’s Eve party to now being the majority “sober”, I realized that alcohol was not the friend I mistook it for. It changed my direction more than my own internal compass would. I wonder what would my life be without the fog of drinking and hangovers. Would I have been more cautious in my youth? Would I have stayed put and had an entirely different life path?
I’ve also discovered that “alcoholic” and “sobriety” are very loaded terms that don’t fit my relationship with alcohol. I used the drink as a crutch for years. It made me feel free for a short amount of time. It put me in a mental slumber and allowed me to relax until the hours it wore off and left my body wrecked for the majority of the 24 of the day. Yet, I kept going back. This cylce of familiarity.
Today, I sit and wallow in my despair. Juuuust kidding. It HAS been hard to FEEL. There is a huge space that I have to fill on how to “cope” (I hate that word almost as much as “sober”). I have realized that exercise, specifically my precious cult-like Peloton family, helps me with high that I missed with drinking. It has a benefit of helping me lose weight too. Bonus! Yet, there is still a space of relaxation that maybe yoga or writing…or both might be able to fill.
So, today, I’m contemplating going back to my roots of teaching. I tried the real estate thing. I tried the business thing. Really, I feel compelled to work with young people and make a difference in the world. My internal compass wants me to return to the days when I would spend time helping others discover knowledge and express their emotions. I really should be a therapist, but the job openings are slim to none. The pay is even slimmer. Yet, maybe that’s why I have such turbulence when it comes to decision making for my career? Maybe chasing pseudo-dreams is really just causing me to go haywire?