Direction

Changing my mind and direction has been a continuous habit for me. I feel like a rolling stone is what I’m most comfortable being. For the past year, however, I’ve been more secure in my sobriety. Since the evening I threw up all over my neighbor’s floor at a New Year’s Eve party to now being the majority “sober”, I realized that alcohol was not the friend I mistook it for. It changed my direction more than my own internal compass would. I wonder what would my life be without the fog of drinking and hangovers. Would I have been more cautious in my youth? Would I have stayed put and had an entirely different life path?

I’ve also discovered that “alcoholic” and “sobriety” are very loaded terms that don’t fit my relationship with alcohol. I used the drink as a crutch for years. It made me feel free for a short amount of time. It put me in a mental slumber and allowed me to relax until the hours it wore off and left my body wrecked for the majority of the 24 of the day. Yet, I kept going back. This cylce of familiarity.

Today, I sit and wallow in my despair. Juuuust kidding. It HAS been hard to FEEL. There is a huge space that I have to fill on how to “cope” (I hate that word almost as much as “sober”). I have realized that exercise, specifically my precious cult-like Peloton family, helps me with high that I missed with drinking. It has a benefit of helping me lose weight too. Bonus! Yet, there is still a space of relaxation that maybe yoga or writing…or both might be able to fill.

So, today, I’m contemplating going back to my roots of teaching. I tried the real estate thing. I tried the business thing. Really, I feel compelled to work with young people and make a difference in the world. My internal compass wants me to return to the days when I would spend time helping others discover knowledge and express their emotions. I really should be a therapist, but the job openings are slim to none. The pay is even slimmer. Yet, maybe that’s why I have such turbulence when it comes to decision making for my career? Maybe chasing pseudo-dreams is really just causing me to go haywire?

Published by Brain Wave Writer

I am a mother, wife, and a woman who is determined to create a safe place to put these swirling thoughts into a concrete place. As a little girl, I traveled alongside my mom and my dad who was in the Army. My mother was a great role model who taught me that being ordinary is not life's essence. The true route to happiness is to uncover one's potential and become passionate for helping others. Life is not a ritual of waking up to be ordinary, yet there is no harm in enjoying the simplicity of life either. My dad suffered trauma throughout his life. He turned to alcohol to numb his pain and remain an active breadwinner for our family. His passions were work and proving that he was worth his paycheck. Oh, this section is supposed to be about me? My identity is composed of where I've been and where I'm going. Those enigmatic experiences are too erratic to accurately describe "me". The point is that I'm an evolving woman on a journey to uncover how all the coincidences in life are more purposeful steps towards a whole person who will hopefully be a positive change in the world. In short, and typical fashion of identity, I'm a woman who answers to she/her and raising two daughters with a husband who flies for the military. I teach and study special education. My purpose, today, is to help others of all types of brains to learn their best. I hope to influence teachers to understand the complexities of the mind and become compassionate while effective in their practices.

One thought on “Direction

  1. I’m so grateful to have too realised that alcohol is certainly not a friend! I truly wish you the best of luck with you’re sobriety (such a loaded term, I agree!) & finding your career path 🙂

    Like

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