Chilled Sobriety

Day 5 sober is actually pretty good. I had an emotional melt down with my husband last night. It turned out pretty good as he committed to being sober with me. That’s darned helpful. I didn’t sleep well and my head still hurts, but I felt better today. I’m not so anxious. I went for a run with my kids while they rode their bikes. I spent time getting my house clean. For the first time in a long time, I think the fog is starting to lift.

I did, however, think about drinking last night. I had to pour scotch down the drain to avoid attempting to drink. Maybe that was the final lift off my shoulders. I owe my husband $100 for his drained booze, but like he said, he’s gonna be sober with me. I picked a good man.

Sobriety causes me to face issues without a crutch, but I’m starting to see that it also encourages me to get ahead of the problems. Today I mapped out my week in a planner. I mapped out my day tomorrow so tightly that I won’t be bored and run into the self-pity I fell into this past week. I’ll be more productive. I’ll need less “rest”.

My house will be chill and alcohol free. That’s what I tell myself, anyways, because in reality my husband is leaving tomorrow for a week. I’ll be in charge of the peeing, pooping, food aggressive dog. I’ll be in charge of my mutt who likes to trip my daughter by standing in walkways. She broke a plate tonight after tripping over him. I’ll also have their sweet faces to greet me and cuddle when I’m feeling lonely.

So many things happened today that were less than perfect, but I didn’t freak out like I usually do. I raised my voice a few times, but there’s this calm…this real chill.

We started our chill day with church. I was raised in a sort of religious home. God was mentioned a few times. I went to church on my own a few times. I’ve grown distant, yet now I’m really starting to believe in the power of God. Today’s message was that in following Jesus, we will be paying the cost of seeming stupid, dull, etc by the world. Guess I’m gonna have two “whammies”…the sober Jesus follower….under my title.

Most alarming about the day, though, was my husband telling me his coworker whom he confided in about my drinking seems to think it’s temporary. My husband raised his eyebrow and smirked a bit when he said it as if he might hope or agree with him. I wonder how much my husband believes in alcoholism. Is it among the ranks of unicorns and Jesus in his book?

I’ve never felt so convinced in this disease as I do now, though. I’m sure I laughed it off a few times in the past…as in last night when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic. “Oh, you can have one scotch just to relax and show yourself you are in control”. All this talk even while my liver is literally throbbing in pain. Disease. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t the only person in this small state with a super high drinking rate that isn’t sober. There’s a liquor store off the highway, on every corner… everywhere. I’m sure it’s because the sun only shines a few times a year and the snow and cold are miserable. Why did I move from FL to the NE?

Even though I moved here, I am intelligent. I have been stupid most of my adult life, but I am looking forward to coming into my own with the help of Jesus, yes…Jesus, A.A., and the hope of being the mother to my girls that they truly deserve.

Published by Brain Wave Writer

I am a mother, wife, and a woman who is determined to create a safe place to put these swirling thoughts into a concrete place. As a little girl, I traveled alongside my mom and my dad who was in the Army. My mother was a great role model who taught me that being ordinary is not life's essence. The true route to happiness is to uncover one's potential and become passionate for helping others. Life is not a ritual of waking up to be ordinary, yet there is no harm in enjoying the simplicity of life either. My dad suffered trauma throughout his life. He turned to alcohol to numb his pain and remain an active breadwinner for our family. His passions were work and proving that he was worth his paycheck. Oh, this section is supposed to be about me? My identity is composed of where I've been and where I'm going. Those enigmatic experiences are too erratic to accurately describe "me". The point is that I'm an evolving woman on a journey to uncover how all the coincidences in life are more purposeful steps towards a whole person who will hopefully be a positive change in the world. In short, and typical fashion of identity, I'm a woman who answers to she/her and raising two daughters with a husband who flies for the military. I teach and study special education. My purpose, today, is to help others of all types of brains to learn their best. I hope to influence teachers to understand the complexities of the mind and become compassionate while effective in their practices.

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