Day 5 sober is actually pretty good. I had an emotional melt down with my husband last night. It turned out pretty good as he committed to being sober with me. That’s darned helpful. I didn’t sleep well and my head still hurts, but I felt better today. I’m not so anxious. I went for a run with my kids while they rode their bikes. I spent time getting my house clean. For the first time in a long time, I think the fog is starting to lift.
I did, however, think about drinking last night. I had to pour scotch down the drain to avoid attempting to drink. Maybe that was the final lift off my shoulders. I owe my husband $100 for his drained booze, but like he said, he’s gonna be sober with me. I picked a good man.
Sobriety causes me to face issues without a crutch, but I’m starting to see that it also encourages me to get ahead of the problems. Today I mapped out my week in a planner. I mapped out my day tomorrow so tightly that I won’t be bored and run into the self-pity I fell into this past week. I’ll be more productive. I’ll need less “rest”.
My house will be chill and alcohol free. That’s what I tell myself, anyways, because in reality my husband is leaving tomorrow for a week. I’ll be in charge of the peeing, pooping, food aggressive dog. I’ll be in charge of my mutt who likes to trip my daughter by standing in walkways. She broke a plate tonight after tripping over him. I’ll also have their sweet faces to greet me and cuddle when I’m feeling lonely.
So many things happened today that were less than perfect, but I didn’t freak out like I usually do. I raised my voice a few times, but there’s this calm…this real chill.
We started our chill day with church. I was raised in a sort of religious home. God was mentioned a few times. I went to church on my own a few times. I’ve grown distant, yet now I’m really starting to believe in the power of God. Today’s message was that in following Jesus, we will be paying the cost of seeming stupid, dull, etc by the world. Guess I’m gonna have two “whammies”…the sober Jesus follower….under my title.
Most alarming about the day, though, was my husband telling me his coworker whom he confided in about my drinking seems to think it’s temporary. My husband raised his eyebrow and smirked a bit when he said it as if he might hope or agree with him. I wonder how much my husband believes in alcoholism. Is it among the ranks of unicorns and Jesus in his book?
I’ve never felt so convinced in this disease as I do now, though. I’m sure I laughed it off a few times in the past…as in last night when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic. “Oh, you can have one scotch just to relax and show yourself you are in control”. All this talk even while my liver is literally throbbing in pain. Disease. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t the only person in this small state with a super high drinking rate that isn’t sober. There’s a liquor store off the highway, on every corner… everywhere. I’m sure it’s because the sun only shines a few times a year and the snow and cold are miserable. Why did I move from FL to the NE?
Even though I moved here, I am intelligent. I have been stupid most of my adult life, but I am looking forward to coming into my own with the help of Jesus, yes…Jesus, A.A., and the hope of being the mother to my girls that they truly deserve.